:: Dancing With Texas ::
I had trouble sleeping last night. So I read over and over that same Kerouac poem in bed, and was so overwhelmed with immense sadness.

I started thinking how much we get so attached to people and things around us, knowing that someday everything will disappear in its own natural way. Yes, things come and go, that includes me. Someday I'll die somehow and somewhere, and that's that. Its not me that I think about. Its everything else. Everything that I care and love about.

How awfully sad I felt thinking of my sleeping mother in her bed
that she'll die someday

I though about my mum. She has been there and she's still there now. Here. But what happens when the time comes for me to let her go? I thought about how silent the place will be. How stagnant and still that whole feeling must be. I looked at that pink walls of my bedroom that she has helped me paint. The bed (and bedsheets) that I'm lying on. I don't even have to go far to know she's has been there. I don't even have to step out of my bed or my room. I have her frown and it'll stay with me till the day comes for me to go.

I thought, can I ever cope with such a loss? Sure, it's part and parcel of living. It's so easy for you and me to say,

"Hey, everyone will die. Everything will go. So will I."

Verbal remarks are too easy. But last night I really thought about it. I really thought about how it will really feel to see and know that everything will go. I thought about my dad. Just the smell of cigarettes is enough for me to miss him. How would I really cope with not having my dad to call should I get into trouble?

I thought about love. The whole madness of love. People fall in love, knowing they will still be separated by death. I thought about Im. Yeah, he's there to pat me when things aren't good, but what happens when he's gone?

It's all part of living....

Since everything just comes and goes why be sad? Or glad?
Sick today healthy tomorrow.
But Oh, I'm so sad just the same

And for that moment, I truly felt how the poet must have felt when he wrote it down. And for that moment, I truly do not wish to live forever.